I'm Never Coming Back

from This Is My Body, This Is My Blood by Samuel Goff

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lyrics

I’ve said goodbye to every room I’ve stepped in. When I was a kid I would have this recurring dream, the voice of God coming down from above so massive and crushing. So loud it was painful. In the dream I would lay on my stomach in the front yard, scared and crying, covering my head with my hands to protect me from the thundering voice. God’s voice. Unintelligible, not meant to be heard with human ears. After some time as such happens in dreams, I found myself floating way up in the sky looking down on my own terrified body. In this version of myself, seeing and experiencing the dream from God’s vantage point, I felt calm and still. A sense of serenity. This dream with me as both participant and observer became a part of me. I often wondered about the meaning behind it. Was God simply just presenting himself as both comforter and terrifyer? Was the dream meant as a warning? Guidance? Maybe omen? I dreamt of God’s voice many times in my childhood. The last time was the day I left home forever.

Months before I had hitched a ride to a neighboring town and joined the service. It was the fastest way I could think to escape Appalachia and my family. I had always told myself if I left I was never coming back. So that last day, I walked the town, saying goodbye. To the creek me and my brothers would play in. Walking down by the train tracks, down by the holler. Bending down and touching the rail one last time. Seeing the tree I used to sit under and practice writing and dream about being somewhere else. I walked past the outhouse and stepped inside the house one last time. There was a record that brought me comfort throughout my childhood. A record called “Nearer My God To Thee.” I put the needle on the old scarred surface, listening one last time. And then I left forever. On the bus out of town I saw the mountains and the coal mines and I cried as I left.

Time has passed. Some of the pain has lessened. Trauma is like a tattoo though, time may fade it a bit but it's always there, always with you. Sometimes now I’ll sit on my porch at night, the only light, the dying ember of my cigarette. The only sound, the chirping of the crickets and I’ll think back to my childhood and my home. Sometimes I’ll cry a quiet tear. Sometimes I’ll miss the mountains and the holler where I’m from. And like pain I’ve learned that place resides in you as well. Home….residing deep inside of you. I thought by leaving I could escape that. I’ve spent a lifetime escaping, saying goodbye. Saying goodbye to rooms and homes and people and cities. Sometimes the desolation is crushing. Now after so much time I feel home calling me back. Will the mountains remember me? The passage of time heals old wounds. As I sit on my porch I think maybe I’ll go back one day. Maybe I’ll have the courage. Maybe the demons are gone. Maybe I’ll go back. Maybe one day I’ll dream of God’s voice again. Maybe then I’ll go back. Yeah, perhaps then. Perhaps then I’ll go back……..

credits

from This Is My Body, This Is My Blood, released April 26, 2024
Samuel Goff - Vocals, Keyboards, Bass
Benjamin Schurr - Harmonium, Mandolin
Kyle Nagle - Piano, Glockenspiel, Violin
Gina Oxenford - Vocals

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Cacophonous Revival Recordings Richmond, Virginia

Our aims and goals will be to not be constrained by genre or geography but to have a unifying theme. One of passion, excitement and experimentation in music. We want to release styles as divergent in genre as avant garde, world music, experimental, jazz, noise, metal, hip hop, punk, classical, etc. ... more

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